580 Gaze Print

I went to art school but instead of going out and becoming a full time artist, I moved to New York and worked in not-for-profits hoping I would have time to paint after work. For the next 5+ years I worked helping others (awesome) but I didn’t get a chance to really work on my art (not so awesome). In 2001, I was a caseworker on Staten Island. I had barely been at work for a month or two when 9/11 happened. I was in lower Manhattan rushing to the ferry when the 2nd plane hit. Although I can’t erase the sound of it or the sights out of my mind, that wasn't the only reason I began to show PTSD symptoms. It was the planes overhead and the constant military presence in the subways. It was going down to ground zero and all of the military check points with my boss to get to his condo and see where it all happened. And there was an incident with a client’s mother that I can’t forget and don’t want to re-live. Despite the stress and anxiety, I moved forward. I love helping people and it meant so much to me that I went back to school to get a MSW. I don’t think I knew or admitted to myself how completely stressed and overwhelmed I felt. I did self-care – I painted, worked out, spent time with friends. But it was still taking a toll. Being in the moment felt impossible. Four years later, after being completely burnt out as a social worker and therapist, I was laid off. And I had this huge cloud hanging over me that I couldn’t shake. I finally had time to really pick up a paintbrush again and started to incorporate art back into my life but the stress was still there. Soon after I moved to Chicago to start a family. Once I got out on the open road - that was when it happened – I saw the sky again. It was so big and blue and beautiful. And I remember taking this deep breath. This was what I had been missing all of these years and I hadn’t even realized it.