"Wayfaring Photons II" Drawing

The sense of being present in the reality is an issue, that disturbes me a lot.
There are so many interpretations and ways to experience "being". If there is "myself" at all, then how much of "myself" is needed to be part of surroundings? And then following this logic, how much of "myself" is needed to make a picture?

I used to try to draw forms, which could never exist in our dimension. A way of thinking similar to making up worlds constructed of nothing we experience in the world we live in. An entirely new concept. An alternative for space, light, everything. No physics, no languages or ways to speak, no sound, no volume, no living creatures, no space or colors, no travelling light. This process literally used to make me hurt.
When I think of something I simultaneously imagine circumstances that allow this ''something'' to exist, but how can I do that thinking of an object, which doesn't have shape, can't have it, can't exist, can't have weight and can't be made of atoms, can't even be an object in the first place. Must have nothing to do with our world and it's laws.
Going through those struggles I kinda accepted the impossibility of creating such a new environment, based on new laws – instead I developed commitment to learn how light behaves, how it describes matter and use this knowledge to push the boundaries, creating pictures which are parallel to nature, but separate from it (at least that’s what I’m aiming to).

My motivations surrounding drawing are rather simple. There is always something cool to find within light and darkness.