"Coming to Terms" Painting

My work is an exploration of self, about who I am. The canvas acting like a mirror, a mirror that allows others to see what until recent times only I could see. In oil paint, my secret world is revealed, no longer hidden. In 2010 at the age of 52, I decided to enroll on a BA Fine Art Degree course at Blackburn College. Prior to this I had gone to life drawing classes at Burnley College, which had inspired me to go on to study at degree level. As a mature student I wanted my degree to be meaningful, something with purpose, which might help me to understand who I was, and where I stood in this world. Since the age of eight I had been secretly cross-dressing, something I had never managed to come to terms with, this had left me with bouts of depression, low self esteem and confusion as to why I would so desperately want to explore my feminine side, and wear woman's clothes. Prior to starting the degree, I had sought counseling about this, and gradually, I became more accepting of who I was, a male with a distinct feminine side. I came out to family and friends, and told them that I no longer wanted to hide this side of me. This was particularly difficult for my wife, who was suddenly confronted with the visible aspect of this, rather than something she had only just tolerated, if I kept it to myself. I felt I had no choice but to face up to my fears, the closet existence was slowly grinding me down, the suppression of my female side was just not possible any longer. I officially came out to my fellow students and tutors towards the end of my first year with a self-portrait called Girl in Red Hat?? (See photo above). This was a transposition of a painting by Johannes Vermeer (1632-1675) called girl with Red Hat, which was found with the use of X-ray to have an earlier painting of a man underneath. The painting caused quite a stir at the time, when I took it in for my final assessment of my work that year, and over the last two years of the degree, I have continued to explore my emotions and moods, with paintings about my journey to come to terms with this aspect of humanity, and have openly dressed "en femme" at college when the mood takes me. I would like to thank my friends, family and particularly my wife for supporting me through what has been at times a difficult few years, but without her patience, understanding and support, I could not have achieved so much. Â