Broken Elegance 1 Print

I first created this portrait as one in a series in 2008. The nude model wore my non-bolting halo neck brace that I wore after an almost fatal diving accident in 1998. I painted the brace black, to match the shadows, and photographed the very uncomfortable model. My goal was to create an image of perfection. To capture a character so perfect in pose and look, but at the same time frozen in expression and emotion. I wanted to create an image to gaze and wonder at, a portrait to get lost in. A portrait that was beautiful, unique, dramatic, but with one thing perfectly out of place. Over the years I have revisited this portrait series. Most recently, re-working the portraits to only include the head. Which still gives those same incredible feelings of beautiful discomfort. I wanted these portraits to reflect my recovery process from my accident in 1998: feelings of self doubt and fear as I was diagnosed with the ptsd, denial of emotional highs and lows, the shame, understanding that I had survivors guilt, the everyday physical hurdles, being young and feeling like I would never gain back my poise and my ability to feel sexy and beautiful. I packaged myself beautifully but on the inside I was broken. During my recovery I did not have much hope or understanding of what my future held. The doctors told me I would walk again and that I would lead a life in which no one would ever see what I physically went thru. This made me sad as it was a hard fought recovery which will forever be lost in the shadows of the hospital walls, and a future always looking back into the past to remind myself of what I had survived.