“Five grand, man?!” Print

Jane Curtin: This just in: [ speedily ] In Brooklyn, a man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, says, “Doctor, Doctor! No one will talk to me!” The doctor says, “Next?” [ she chuckles heartily ] God, that new writer is just terrific!
 And now, because of St. Patrick’s Day, Mr. John Belushi is here to discuss the luck of the Irish. 
 John Belushi: Thank you, thank you very much. Well it’s come that time again, St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone and well the sons of Ireland are basking in the glow. When I think of Ireland I think a lot of colorful Irish expressions like, “Top of the morning to ya,” “Kiss the barney stone,” “May the road rise to meet ya,” “May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead,” “I’d like to smash you in the face with my shalalee,” “Danny-boy,” “Bhagora,” “Wail of the banshee,” and “Whiskey for the leprechauns, whisky for the leprechauns.” But the expression I think most people identify with the Irish, is, of course, the luck of the Irish. The luck of the Irish. Sure. Let’s say you’re in a pub somewhere in Ireland, oh, anywhere in Ireland, some guy comes up to you and says, “Hey is that a bomb on you I hear ticking?” And then BAM!!! Your small intestines are on the ceiling and your brains are on your car across the street. That’s the luck of the Irish for ya, who’s kidding who, okay? Let’s talk about the bad luck of the Irish, all right? How about this, POTATO FAMINE!! How about that? It scares them, doesn’t it? Well it should. That’s why they came here in the first place. So they wouldn’t have to work in the potato fields. That’s why they became politicians, priests, and cops. Luck? Gimme a break.I got a friend, his name is Dan Sullivan, he’s Irish as they come. We used to drink together a lot. After two drinks, he would look like an Irish pirate. You know? You think he had luck? In one day he got his car stolen, and the stupid, he had no insurance, and no license, and he gets locked up for being drunk. And after that, he takes off for someplace like India or Nepal, or someplace like that. And his mother dies, ya know, so they wire him to tell him to come to the funeral. It’s his mother’s funeral, that’s all. And he’s in India or Nepal, sitting squat-legged listening to some sacred cow. So he comes back and he gets stopped at U.S. Customs for trafficking illegal drugs, not holding, he’s trafficking. I mean, here’s this guy Sullivan, his old lady kicks off, he gets popped at the border and he’s sitting on fifty pounds of black Tibetan finger hash and two keys of slam. Now that’s not bad luck, that’s DUMB luck. I don’t think luck has anything to do with it, I don’t think he has any brains at all. First of all, he’s drunk, then he’s a junkie. I don’t know what’s worse. Don’t ask me, ask Sullivan. And what happens? He calls me up and says, “Hey man, I got busted at the border. I need five grand bail.” I said, I said, “Five grand, man!? Hey man, I’ve never even seen five thousand dollars in my life, so don’t ask me for it, man, why don’t you ask your mother!?” Which was a dumb thing for me to say because his mother just died. Right now, I got this drunken Irish junkie who wants to kill me because of what I said about his mother being in terminal dreamland. Oh pal. One thing! One thing!!! They love their mothers, boy, oh they love their mothers. It’s momma this, momma that. Oh my Irish mother! Ireland must be heaven, because my mother.. aauugghhh! Aaauugghhh!!!
 
 Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. 
 
 "Weekend Update" is a Saturday Night Live sketch and fictional news program that comments on and parodies current events. It is the show's longest-running recurring sketch, having been on since the show's first broadcast, and is typically presented in the middle of the show immediately after the first musical performance. Historically, one or two of the players are cast in the role of news anchor, presenting gag news items based on current events and acting as hosts for occasional editorials, commentaries, or other performances by other cast members or guests. In modern times, dedicated anchors are chosen among writing staff, often lead writers, in lieu of cast or featured players. Chevy Chasehas said that "Weekend Update" – which he started as anchor in 1975 – paved the way for comedic news shows like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
 
 
 Saturday Night Live (also known as SNL) is an American late-night live television sketch comedy and variety show created by Lorne Michaels and developed by Dick Ebersol. Michaels currently serves as the program's showrunner. The show premiere was hosted by George Carlin on NBC on October 11, 1975, under the original title NBC's Saturday Night. The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members. Each episode is hosted by a celebrity guest, who usually delivers the opening monologue and performs in sketches with the cast, with featured performances by a musical guest. An episode normally begins with a cold open sketch that ends with someone breaking character and proclaiming, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!", properly beginning the show. In 1980, Michaels left the series to explore other opportunities. He was replaced by Jean Doumanian, who was then replaced by Ebersol after a season of bad reviews. Ebersol ran the show until 1985, when Michaels returned. Since then, Michaels has held the job of show-runner. Many SNL cast members have found national stardom while appearing on the show, and achieved success in film and television, both in front of and behind the camera. Others associated with the show, such as writers, have gone on to successful careers creating, writing, and starring in television and film. Broadcast from Studio 8H at NBC's headquarters in the Comcast Building at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL has aired 916 episodes since its debut, and concluded its 46th season on May 22, 2021, making it one of the longest-running network television programs in the United States. The show format has been developed and recreated in several countries, meeting with different levels of success. Successful sketches have seen life outside the show as feature films including The Blues Brothers (1980) and Wayne's World (1992). The show has been marketed in other ways, including home media releases of "best of" and whole seasons, and books and documentaries about behind-the-scenes activities of running and developing the show. Throughout four decades on air, Saturday Night Live has received a number of awards, including 86 Primetime Emmy Awards, four Writers Guild of America Awards, and two Peabody Awards. In 2000, it was inducted into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame. It was ranked tenth in TV Guide's "50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time" list, and in 2007 it was listed as one of Time's "100 Best TV Shows of All-TIME." As of 2018, the show had received 252 Primetime Emmy Award nominations, the most received by any television program. The live aspect of the show has resulted in several controversies and acts of censorship, with mistakes and intentional acts of sabotage by performers as well as guests. 
 
 John Adam Belushi (January 24, 1949 – March 5, 1982) was an American comedian, actor and musician, and one of the seven original cast members of the NBC sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live (SNL). Throughout his career, Belushi had a personal and artistic partnership with his fellow SNL star Dan Aykroyd, whom he met while they were both working at Chicago's Second City comedy club. Born in Chicago to Albanian American parents, Belushi started his own comedy troupe with Tino Insana and Steve Beshekas, called "The West Compass Trio". After being discovered by Bernard Sahlins, he performed with The Second City and met Aykroyd, Brian Doyle-Murrayand Harold Ramis. In 1975, Belushi was recommended to SNL creator and showrunner Lorne Michaels by Chevy Chase and Michael O'Donoghue, who accepted Belushi as a new cast member of the show after an audition. He developed a series of characters on the show that reached high success, including his performances as Henry Kissinger and Ludwig van Beethoven. Belushi's Albanian ancestry lent itself to his "Olympia Restaurant" sketch (in which he sold nothing but "cheeseburgers, cheeps [potato chips] and Pepsi"). After his breakout film role as John Blutarsky in National Lampoon's Animal House (1978), Belushi appeared in films such as 1941, The Blues Brothers, and Neighbors. He also pursued interests in music, creating with Aykroyd, Lou Marini, Tom Malone, Steve Cropper, Donald "Duck" Dunn, Paul Shaffer, and The Blues Brothers, from which the film received its name. In his personal life, Belushi struggled with heavy drug use that threatened his comedy career; he was dismissed and rehired at SNL on several occasions due to his behavior. In 1982, Belushi died from combined drug intoxication possibly caused by Cathy Smith, who injected him with a mixture of heroin and cocaine known as a speedball at the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood, California. He was posthumously honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2004. 
 Source: Wikipedia