She as a central pivot Painting

I am a contemporary artist exploring abstract and representational forms. As an artist, I find my expression closely linked to my individual experience and I don't believe in following in old grooves resulting in lifeless forms. I am accused often in too much experimentation.I thrust and thrive on things that can take care of my SELF and not my pseudo 'I'.Real must be expressed through verbatim or the stillness of mind? I strongly believe in the latter. Sometimes I am obsessed with abstraction and sometimes with representation. My senses play with me -leaving always chaos in my mind. I was taught to see with my inner eye and that everything I see outward is a sham. This state feigns me. I am trying to let the painting come to me and whenever I see a blank canvas I am inept and imbecile and terrified and bores me stiff.I often encounter accidents in my painting and my intention is to always get away from this triad. But passing on these limitations and isms. My images are blurred but still there. But I am indistinct and highly differentiated yet obsessed with my painting.