"The Escaping" Drawing

My Honest Autobiography

One of my greatest idols once said that “success is just psychological,” quoted from the song Caught in Hustle by Immortal Technique.

For me, success meant simply living past twenty-five. I had already dealt with loneliness, depression, and suicidal thoughts as early as twelve years old. I was bullied and exposed to a lot of violence, and my father, a military man, was the only parent around. I lacked the intimacy and comfort of having my mother by my side, someone who could have taught me that it was okay to be sad instead of angry. And I was angry.
I never shared my emotions growing up because I believed that crying in front of teachers would only make things worse at school. As a child, I also grew up believing that crying was only for girls and gay people.
I also learned that if I was going to survive the city, I had to stand up for myself—to not be devoured by it. We moved from a small town called Skövde to the big city of Stockholm. With no siblings, friends, or relatives around, I found my own way through life, and violence became a common part of it. It wasn’t just me—tense and chaotic moments were happening all around. In fourth grade, I witnessed a guy get robbed at knifepoint, and the painful part is that I was with the one who did the robbing.
I was invited because I was known as a tough kid, but I was also quiet, and no one knew I was deeply into art and social justice. Everything happened so fast that I didn’t fully understand what was going on, and I couldn’t stop it. At first, I thought maybe the guy owed him money or had done something wrong. After that night, I never associated with those guys again. I was against unprovoked violence.
I was really just seeking solitude. I was deeply hurt by my parents’ divorce and by having to move away from my mom and sisters. I shut myself off from relationships and companionship, choosing instead to stay inside my own world. I would sit in silence, drifting away from reality and into my art. The fantasy world I created in my mind felt more just and fascinating than the life I was living.
Even from a young age, I noticed how hate and jealousy spread like diseases. Racism, social gaps, and other injustices had concerned me since second grade. Any violence I showed was only a way of protecting myself, because I didn’t know how to express things like “stop,” “you’re hurting me,” or “your words affect me.