#9 Flashback - Patterns, I racked my brain out! Painting

Similar abuse reported, and memories of my incest experience emerge! Unexpected! This moment in time Was not As far as i was aware Supposed to be a bout me At all! I was in this situation to support a friend, at the time! Things emerge because they reoccur Even if, not recently. But as a combination of things! Which do not go away! There is no one who could want you that badly, or do you so painfully, and then call it, or refer to it as love. Or want to be in love. Or is in love, and deal you out so painfully, and batter you so badly, directly, or indirectly, and still try and call it love! Jealously has so many sides of intent that could put you in the need for help. Yet when you genuinely need the help. Somehow the experience of jealously can actually cancel out the very help you need! It is a horrible conundrum! With no intention to make an enemy! Yet too much pain to make a friend! What are the rules of estrangement? What does somebody do when they need to get to you, feel they love you, but suffers from a need to be cruel to the point they destroy the very love they want, and need? Dull eyed But still a child Dull eyed But still a baby We live dull eyed Somewhere Somehow It continues to play havoc in our lives No matter how many times you move around No matter how may times you fly! Dull eye An adult Still Dull eyed! Now you have a child Now you have all had a child Maybe not all Now you have had children Something Someone Never stopped it from happening Again Now they have that dullness in their eyes Now they are full of confusion Maybe even revenge Not because it was them Not because it was what they intend So much can up Out of incest But so few can come forth as a result of incest I have been racking my brain out trying to remember the very first time I had entered a Police station. I cannot remember. Neither can I claim other than the person I have depicted myself in orange with a line following down my face, from my eye to my lip sitting opposite, that I remember anyone else who was in that room on that day. I just cannot. I can only give an impression of the flash back, most of which is contrived. Only reality is both of us sat in that incident room. One in support of the other, who reported being in a very violent relationship with a very violent boyfriend, at that time! All I remember was being in floods of tears as well. Yet this way not about me! Yet I could directly relate! I knew what it was to be beaten in hate yet it be in a situation, which outwardly looked like love. I knew what it was like to be raped, and have to live in the situation that would outwardly, yet again look like love! Not just me! It was not just about me! Yet, I responded from an experience, and memories that was buried deep inside of me. That lay in wait, deep within me emotionally, waiting for me to connect too, and begin the work for my spiritual well being! Where does that place the Law of Attraction? Who really knows if the Law of Attraction begins, after the Law of Attack finishes? Is that a true concept to have? When love is not just a want, or desire but a need You leave an abusive home in the deepest need for an honest tender hug, that would not result in something sexual. Who are you likely to attract, and meet? The type of men who see an opportunity to play knock down ginger with you, on your neighbours, sisters, cousins, and friends? As if incest was not enough Now someone has come in between you all creating more friction, and disgust! As if rising from the pits of every kind of violence was not bad enough Now there appears to be no future without fighting off those who too have also been abused. Because that is all that you do not want, but all you keep attracting to you, but not you but because the prevalent vibration around you is the negativity of those who abused you, and who will keep hush about the real truth! Holding onto the thoughts, and feelings of a new reality clear, and free of all those who cannot see you in any other possibility other than negativity, is all you could do for many moments, even if those moments turn into years. Holding onto the thoughts, and feelings of new opportunities, and limitless possibilities despite endless delays. It is not impossible to be ready for, or to live in presently, even if you cannot take aligned action immediately. Because of the restriction an abusers has placed on you. It is not impossible to embrace a completely new reality, free from all the plans of those who can never see themselves, let alone you, as free to embrace anything new. I had seen pattern after pattern emerge, and fade over the years. When this first started, I went through a period of being directly "mocked" by others wearing uniform. Only recently did I learn of the term for the pattern of stalking behaviour which deliberately targets the hoaxing of emergency services. I had no idea at the time of this meeting of events, that such a term actually existed, or that I would be tied to it. Or considered to be a perpetrator of it! It took a while for me to understand what was going on, and later realised that what seem genuine, what I would still like to believe as genuine, will actually take its toll with me, and have me questioning. Which seems, and feels very cruel! It is a very selfish thing to decided to use self portraits as art. There is nothing to say that it would not hurt or offend somebody else, despite the intention not too. Or but you yourself in more danger, especially when living with the knowledge that you have, still, an anonymous stalker! But to heal Literally, and this is not meant to sound like self pity at all, who needs to go there, I do not! But when you need to change, and you have been so restricted by liars, who know exactly how to walk just close enough, but, not do anything that would directly be a crime. What other option do you have? When someone is out to prove their themselves as an authority? Hard man, or woman criminality? Ability of out right intimidation? You have a right as an individual to live without being made to feel threatened. What are the rules of estrangement? What do you do when someone is so sick that immediately anybody so much questions what they may have done wrong they immediately blame you? They continually blame you, and are so convincing in their blaming of you process, that all surveillance investigations intended for them fall onto, and into your life. Ripping apart the fabric of your mind, emotions, and health? Two way jealousies Two sides of jealously Unforgiving entity Cancelling of true identities Best intentions used to suck you in Confusions Is it you? Is it them? A deliberate mayhem? I beg for peace Natural Flowism A Freedom Of Being!

Painting:Watercolor on Paper

Original:One-of-a-kind Artwork

Size:3.2 W x 4.6 H x 0 D in

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